I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
You Might Also Like
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.