Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜