Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME