Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse