Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
You Might Also Like
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after