Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
What the dentist sees
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?