It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse