My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
wut hotdog?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.