My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it