Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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Yes
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*orders delivery*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.