A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK