*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
You Might Also Like
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”