Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.