Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You Might Also Like
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
yea so i messed up lol
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down