A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Snapes on a plane.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
What an awful time to have common sense.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house