There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me buying fruit and veg
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.