if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.