I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time