Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it