when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
You Might Also Like
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?