*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner