The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Comparing yourself to others
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea