A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation