Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
i will avenge u mr van gogh
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow