INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
You Might Also Like
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls