my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
look at me when i’m typing to you
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.