I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.