I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we