Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down