For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Sharon, call the vet
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.