Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*