“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Not messing around
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.