i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat