Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Boating season is upon us.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.