ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The Book. The Movie.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.