It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion