the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?