Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
This fish is cracking me up
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.