“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Botany good plants lately?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’