Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.