Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!