Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation