Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Bless you
#SaturdayBears
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream