I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Order here:
More here:
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police