A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
thank god the sign was there
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If only.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music