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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Florida man
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains