posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.