[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again