I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Canada has crack?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Many hands make light work
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.