I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting